Jesus Freak in a Gay Rideshare
The insane but real story of how I found/ed polynousism (part 1)
Have you googled “polynousism” yet?
Didn’t find much?
Poly (πολυ) is the Greek word for “many”, often used as a prefix.
Nous (νοῦς) is the Greek word for “mind”, often used in philosophy.
The two words put together describe a worldview based on the understanding that human minds are composed of multiple mind parts, just as human bodies are composed of multiple body parts.
It began several years ago when I was looking out of my bedroom window, watching my partner hang clothes on the drying line. My partner had been behaving strangely, like many times before, and I desperately wanted to understand their erratic behavior. Unaware that I could see them from my window, my partner stood outside, laundry basket seemingly forgotten by their feed, focused on their conversation - with themselves. I heard them make an argument, then tilt their head and listen as if someone else was speaking, then make a counter argument in a completely different voice, then interrupt with yet another voice expressing frustration, then back to listening, head shaking, gesturing, returning to the laundry, and then resuming the argument again, over and over. “It’s almost as if they have multiple personalities,” I thought. “But that’s impossible, it’s far too rare…”
The first time I heard about multiple personality disorder (now [find out when it was renamed] renamed to dissociative identity disorder, or D.I.D.) I was a teenager on my way to a Jesus Freak event. I was a passionate member of the Jesus Freak movement that began sweeping across my native Germany in the mid 1990s. We had Raves for Jesus, punk rock worship bands, met in bars and goth clubs and grave yards and on rainy days even in the lobbies of closed banks or other suitable businesses. I was too young to drive and there were no suitable bus or train connections to the Jesus Freak event I was traveling to, so I signed up for a rideshare service and met my ride at the train station. To my surprise and dismay the driver had accepted multiple riders, all gay men on their way to a pride parade. I was a sexually naive Christian teenager raised in purity culture and deeply convinced of that homosexuality was sinful depravity. I was in for an interesting ride across half of the country.
The guys asked some questions about me and where I was heading, I answered awkwardly, then sighed with relief when they turned to chat amongst themselves. But the more their conversation turned to what they would do at the pride event, whom they have had sex with, the more uncomfortable I became. I wanted to sink into the seat and disappear. At some point I thought about praying for the rapture* [footnote] to happen right this moment. I berated myself for not bringing a book. As an extrovert and an evangelist I had been looking forward to hours long conversations in which I could tell my driver and maybe one or two other passengers all about Jesus, but I felt woefully outnumbered and out-gay-ed. When the guys began discussing the best Autobahn rest stops for sexual encounters and bathroom hookups, I couldn’t take it anymore.
There was a book sitting on the backseat, and I asked the driver if I could read it. He waved his hand dismissively, nodded, and immediately rejoined the enthusiastic conversation with his new buddies. I did not care what the book was about, anything to distract me. I opened it to the first page, and did my best to disappear into the book. That turned out to be easy. The title of the book read “Ich Bin Viele” - I Am Many* - by Joan Frances Casey. The cover picture was disturbing, but the subtitle caught my attention “Eine Ungewöhnliche Heilungsgeschichte” - an unusual healing story. I had no idea that this unusual healing story I’d be reading about would reshape of my life forever.
Writing note:
“And then what happened?”
I know, this post is stupid short, and here’s the reason: when I said on my birthday that I’d started writing again, the truth is, I had, and then right after my birthday I stopped again. There are reasons for that and they are outside of my control. This snippet of a piece is something I wrote even before my birthday. It’s been sitting my draft folder, waiting for me to finish it so I could publish it.
Instead, I am going to try something different. I will write and publish immediately, even if my “piece” is only a paragraph or two long. There are things I’ve been wanting to share publicly for 7 years now, 7 long years of having a draft folder full of snippets, and nothing published. So I will write as the writing comes to me, in fits and starts, sometimes more and sometimes less eloquently. The stories that have been hiding inside of me are so powerful, so thought provoking, so disturbing, and so paradigm shifting that they deserve to be told in whatever way possible. Even if my identity of being “a good writer” suffers a blow to its dignity here and there.
I pray to God that this works and this little snippet will be followed by another snippet soon. Pray with me, if you will!